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5 Values You Should Teach Your Child by Age Five
Many parents think that it's premature to teach values to a toddler or preschooler. But that's a misconception. Here are the values that all children should develop by their fifth birthday, and some easy ways to make them stick.
Value #1: Honesty
Help Kids Find a Way To Tell the Truth
The best way to encourage truthfulness in your child is to be a truthful
person yourself. Consider this story: Carol decided to limit the number
of playdates between her 3-year-old son, Chris, and his friend Paul.
The boys had been fighting a lot recently, and Carol thought they should
spend some time apart. So when Paul's mother called one afternoon to
arrange a get-together, Carol told her that Chris was sick.
Overhearing this, her son asked, "Am I sick, Mommy? What's wrong with
me?" Carol, taken aback by her son's frightened look, told him she had
only said he was sick, because she didn't want to hurt Paul's mother's
feelings. Carol then launched into a complicated explanation of the
distinctions between the various types of lies, and Chris was confused.
All he understood was that fibbing is sometimes okay-and that, in fact,
it's what people do.
Your child takes his cues from you, so it's important that you try to
avoid any kind of deception, even a seemingly innocuous one. (Never, for
instance, say something like "Let's not tell Daddy we got candy this
afternoon.") Let your child hear you being truthful with other adults.
Carol would have been better off saying, "This isn't a good day for a
playdate. I'm concerned that the boys were fighting so much last week. I
think they need a break."
Another way to promote the value of honesty: Don't overreact if your
child lies to you. Instead, help her find a way to tell the truth. When
the mother of 4-year-old Janice walked into the family room one
afternoon, she saw that her large potted plant had been toppled and that
several branches had been snapped off. She knew right away what had
happened: Once before, she had seen Janice making her Barbie dolls
"climb the trees," and she'd told her daughter at the time that the
plants were off-limits. When Mom demanded an explanation, a
guilty-looking Janice blamed the family dog.
Janice's mom reacted sensibly: She interrupted her child's story and
said, "Janice, I promise I won't yell. Think about it for a minute, and
then tell me what really happened." After a moment, the child owned up
to her misdeed. As a consequence, Janice had to help clean up the mess
and was not allowed to watch television that afternoon, but her mom made
sure to emphasize how much she appreciated her daughter's honesty. In
doing so, she taught the child an important lesson: Even if being honest
isn't always easy or comfortable, you-and other people-always feel
better if you tell the truth.
Value #2: Justice
Insist That Children Make Amends
At a recent family gathering, Amy and Marcus, 4-year-old cousins, were
making castles out of wooden blocks. Suddenly, Amy knocked over Marcus's
castle, and he started to cry. Witnessing the scene, Amy's father
chided his daughter and ordered her to apologize. Amy dutifully said,
"I'm sorry."
Then her dad took her aside and asked, "Do you know why you pushed over
his blocks?" She told him that she was mad because Marcus's castle was
bigger than hers. The dad told her that though this was no excuse for
destroying her cousin's castle, he could understand her feelings. He
then sent her back to play.
The father's reaction was similar to that of many psychologically savvy
parents: He wanted his daughter to identify and express her feelings and
to understand why she behaved as she did. That's okay, but it isn't
enough. In order to help children internalize a true sense of justice,
parents need to encourage them to take some action to remedy a wrong.
For example, Amy's dad might have suggested that she help Marcus rebuild
his castle or that she bring him some cookies as a gesture of apology.
Saying "I'm sorry" is pretty easy for a child, and it lets her off the
hook without forcing her to think. Having a child make amends in a
proactive way conveys a much stronger message. If you're aware that your
child has acted badly toward someone, help him think of a way to
compensate. Maybe he can give one of his trucks to a playmate whose toy
he has damaged. Perhaps he could draw a picture for his sister after
teasing her all day. By encouraging your child to make such gestures,
you emphasize the importance of treating people fairly-an essential
value that will one day help him negotiate the complicated world of
peer-group relationships.
Value #3: Determination
Encourage Them To Take on a Challenge
Five-year-old Jake showed his mother a drawing that he'd made with his
new crayons. "That's very bright and colorful," she told him. "Nice
job!" The child then ran to his room and dashed off another drawing to
bring to his mom for praise-then another and another.
"Each one was sloppier than the last," his mother said. "I didn't know
what to say." A good response might have been: "Well, Jake, that drawing
isn't as carefully done as your other one. Did you try your best on
that?"
Determination is a value that you can encourage from a very young age.
The easiest way to do so is by avoiding excessive praise and by
providing children with honest feedback, delivered in a gentle,
supportive fashion.
Another powerful way to help kids develop determination is to encourage
them to do things that don't come easily-and to praise them for their
initiative.If your son is shy, for instance, quietly encourage him to
approach kids on the playground, even if it makes him feel nervous and
scared. If your daughter is quick to blow a fuse, teach her strategies
(such as counting to ten or taking a deep breath) for holding back a
temper tantrum. Congratulate kids when they manage to do things that are
difficult for them. The child who hears "Good for you, I know that was
really tough!" is bolstered by the recognition and becomes even more
determined to keep trying.
Value #4: Consideration
Teach Them To Think about Others' Feelings
Anne was frustrated because her daughters, ages 3 and 4, ended up
whining and fighting every time she took them grocery shopping. "I
finally told them that we needed to figure out how to do our shopping
without everyone, including me, feeling upset," Anne says.
The mom asked the girls for suggestions on how to make the trip to the
grocery store a better experience for all. The 4-year-old suggested that
they bring snacks from home so they wouldn't nag for cookies. The
3-year-old said she would sing quietly to herself so she would feel
happy.
The girls remembered their promises, and the next trip to the
supermarket went much more smoothly. Leaving the store, the younger girl
asked, "Do you feel really upset now, Mommy?" The mother assured her
that she felt just fine and remarked how nice it was that nobody got
into an argument.
Do these small problem-solving exercises actually help a child learn the
value of consideration? You bet. Over time, even a young child sees
that words or actions can make another person smile or feel better, and
that when she's kind to someone else, that person is nice to her. This
feedback encourages other genuine acts of consideration.
Value #5: Love
Be Generous with Your Affection
Parents tend to think that children are naturally loving and generous
with their affection. This is true, but for loving sentiments to last,
they need to be reciprocated. It's chilling to realize that over the
course of a typical busy day, the phrase "I love you" is probably the
one that a child is least likely to hear.
Let your child see you demonstrate your love and affection for the
people in your life. Kiss and hug your spouse when the kids are around.
Talk to your children about how much you love and appreciate their
grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
And, of course, don't let a day pass without expressing your affection
for your child himself. Show your love in unexpected ways: Pack a note
in his lunch box. Tape a heart to the bathroom mirror so he'll see it
when he brushes his teeth. Give her a hug-for no reason. Don't allow
frantic morning drop-offs or frenetic afternoon routines squeeze loving
gestures out of your day.
I can practically guarantee you that the more you say "I love you" to
your child, the more your child will say "I love you" back. The more
hugs and kisses you give, the more your home will be filled with love
and affection. And when our children feel free to express their love to
us, we instill in them perhaps the greatest value of all.
